Redefining My Idea of Perfection

From a young age I was always my toughest critic. I had a set view of what I believed was satisfactory, which was usually close to perfection. Whenever I did not achieve this standard I was extremely disappointed. As I grew older, my idea of perfection became more focused on the way I looked. I thought in order to be confident and happy I had to achieve this specific image of “perfection.” The picture ingrained in my head consisted of an unrealistic slim figure that I believed I was far from when I looked in the mirror. As time progressed, the treadmill in my basement became my best friend and my search history was flooded with calorie related google searches. I began to deprive myself of my favorite foods, such as pizza and fettuccine alfredo and substituted them with lower calorie items including  yogurt, salads, and fruits. After my small meals, I would run to a mirror to check if those singular items changed my body shape. I would take daily trips to the scale in my parents bathroom, and was overcome by a feeling of power as I saw the numbers fall, but was never satisfied. Due to the battle I faced with body image and eating I began to lose a significant amount of weight.

Not only did this battle affect my relationship with food and my self image, it put a strain on all my other relationships as well. I began to close myself off from my friends and family and they lost a lot of trust in me, as I prioritized my restrictive thoughts over communicating honestly with them. I got in the habit of throwing out meals behind my parents' backs and pretending I had already eaten when going out for dinner with others. I started to tell people that I was getting better when in reality I continued to rotate through an unhealthy cycle of restriction, with the mindset that if I ate this one meal I would not eat at all the next day to make up for it. My restrictive eating patterns became a form of comfort to me, giving me a sense of power and control in my life. Coming to terms with my habits and building up courage to ask for help took time; however, I eventually decided I wanted to break out of these unhealthy patterns, and I began my journey to recovery with the support of a therapist and a nutritionist.

Recovering from this battle has been a difficult and an enduring process. I’ve learned I needed to shift my mind's obsession with my body towards new things. I discovered and prioritized different beneficial aspects of my life, including working harder in school and spending more time excelling in my hobbies. I realize now that my idea of perfection should not be focused on how I look physically, but instead how I feel mentally. In my periods of recovery I focused on embracing all the positive things about me, instead of dwelling on what I wasn’t satisfied with. I no longer allowed a number on a scale to define my self worth, and started measuring it by how well I take care of myself and others. As I look back to the time in my life where I could barely eat a cracker without feeling extremely guilty, I feel extremely proud of myself and how far I have come today. Although I still have days when I find myself examining my body in a mirror, I don’t let these small setbacks discourage me and discredit my progress. I know that even though this time in my life was extremely difficult, I would not be who I am today without fighting through this obstacle that impacted every part of my life. I have become a stronger and happier person. This experience has made me truly realize the importance of taking care of myself as a whole person and not just my body, one aspect of me. My struggle with eating and body image has helped me develop a new love and appreciation for myself, and I can’t wait to continue my journey of strengthening my self love.