National Mental Health Week Edition- Some Helpful Things I’ve Learned In Therapy
Some Helpful Things I’ve Learned In Therapy
1. You Can’t Always Know How Others Perceive You
Seems obvious, I know, but this one took me a while to really embrace. A lot of the minor everyday anxieties I talked about in therapy stemmed from my concerns about what other people might think about me, and one of the main things my therapist always emphasized was that it’s unlikely I’ll ever know with 100% certainty whether someone thinks I’m weird, or awkward, or anything else. Even if they tell me, there will usually be a sliver of uncertainty and, for me, learning to sit with that uncertainty and the discomfort that accompanies it has been helpful. When my brain tries to construct a definitive reality based on things I can’t know, I try and remind myself that it’s a battle I’ll never win.
2. We Decide and Communicate Our Own Boundaries
Again, this might feel basic, but for me, this lesson has been about learning to stop assuming that others will intrinsically understand what’s ok with me and what’s not. I have a tendency to conceptualize my social guidelines as being universal and objective. This can lead me to perceive breaches of my unspoken rules as rude or malicious, which often results in an unnecessary buildup of resentment and even passive aggression on my part. While it’s true that sometimes people just do not respect my boundaries, I’ve become more aware that I run into less uncomfortable miscommunications when I’m clearer about my boundaries and expectations earlier on. Similarly, this has helped me worry less about trying to guess what other people expect, which has saved me time and energy, because I’m more likely to ask rather than trying to read into ambiguous signs or cues.
3. You Don’t Have to Justify Feelings
For the longest time, I thought that feeling certain ways about a given situation made me a bad person, or selfish, or unkind. I would hesitate to tell my therapist when I was feeling really
jealous, or angry, or resentful and couldn’t figure out why. I was embarrassed by what I saw as unreasonable, disproportionate responses and I thought that even admitting I was feeling that way would lower her opinion of me. But when I did voice those feelings, they were met with more curiosity than judgment, and when we got to the root of the emotions, they were easier to process and resolve.